| 12 july 2004 |
[12 Jul 2008|08:10pm] |
greetings. from. egypt. do you know what there are a lot of here.
egyptians.
fortunately. i was able to make contact with a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of an uncle and we have hit the jackpot, as it were. now all i have to do is get that demon cat out of my sight and everything will be golden under the african sun.
now. i think. it is about time for me to go out and see if what they say about egyptian birds is true.
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| 3 JULY 2004. |
[03 Jul 2008|03:17pm] |
I'm old.
HELP!
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| 17 JUNE 2004. |
[17 Jun 2008|02:56pm] |
I don't see what all of you are complaining about. I don't know about you, but I am a sixteen year old fox.
Rawr. I could eat me up, honestly. I AM HAROLD FUCKING DINGLE! I'M KING OF THE WORLD! I am going to drink an entire bottle of Firewhisky and then run around my cool flat starkers! Can you believe that I have a FLAT? My mum would never have let me move out on my own, I hope she doesn't know and I hope that she doesn't send me a Howler because she did that the last time I ran away and lived with those gypsies for two weeks.
Hmm.
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| 18 MAY 2004. |
[18 May 2008|03:24pm] |
Merlin's balls. I spent so much time crying and moaning yesterday that I didn't even get to experience sex with a man as a woman. I'd always told myself that if I happened to perhaps turn into a woman one day, the first thing I would do was go out there and find myself a strapping young lad to have his way with me. And I DIDN'T.
I am so disappointed in myself that I may just start crying all over again.
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| 7 MAY 2004. |
[07 May 2008|08:32pm] |
Okay. I know what you're all thinking. You're all thinking, I bet Dingle's been selling ZOOM! to our innocent Wizarding children. Well, I'm here to tell you that I have not been selling ZOOM! to your innocent Wizard children. I've been selling it to your washed-up, homeless dropouts who aren't going to make anything of themselves anyway.
Just kidding.
In all seriousness, folks, what is the big deal? So Shagswell likes to have a good time. I'll have you know that I spent the better part of last year hopped up on ZOOM! and I'm certainly no worse for the wear! In fact, I'd even say that I'm smarter, faster, and sexier than ever. However, I would advise all of you not to try it when mixed with a Pepper-Up Potion. If that isn't a kick in the trousers, then I don't know what is.
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| 19 AUGUST 2004. |
[19 Apr 2008|07:33pm] |
Is this some kind of sick joke? I might have made a few casual, offhand jokes about murder before, but this time I am serious. This is the worst day of my life. This is even worse than that time that I got caught following someone into the boys' loo without trousers on. I CAN NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE AGAIN.
Why I am Going to Kill Myself
1. My hair lacks body.
2. It also lacks shine.
3. It is much too short. In the front. It's all business in the front.
4. It's so thin.
5. There appears to be a party in the back.
I ask you again, IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK JOKE? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLIPPING THINGS INTO PEOPLE'S DRINKS. I WAS KIDDING!!!
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| 17 APRIL 2004! |
[17 Apr 2008|08:13pm] |
You know what? All this crap going on around here is leaving a real hole in my bank account. Sure, I've still got my day job, but who wants to serve drinks when they could be gallivanting about with some of London's finest? Not I, not I. Of course, slipping a little something into the drinks always makes things more fun at the Black Cat, MEOW!
Anyway, I'm just saying that if people are already seeing unicorns, then they certainly don't need any hallucinogenic aids, if you know what I mean. I might even have to close down shop if this keeps up, Merlin forbid!
I have, however, just recently discovered how to bottle Buddhism: reach true nirvana in only ten sips! Brilliant. Truly brilliant.
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| 2 APRIL 2004. |
[02 Apr 2008|03:55pm] |
IF I HEAR THAT SONG ONE MORE TIME, I AM GOING TO STAB A SMALL, HELPLESS, INNOCENT CHILD.
REPEATEDLY.
WITH A VERY DULL KNIFE.
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| 30 MARCH 2004. |
[30 Mar 2008|08:54pm] |
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Mmm, jungle creatures. I know what I'm having for dinner tonight.
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| 25 MARCH 2004. |
[25 Mar 2008|04:39pm] |
My family doesn't celebrate Easter, because we are all a bunch of godless heathens. You might be interested to know that my older brother was once a Satanist. He quit because he just couldn't jive with virgin sacrifices. Totally understandable, really! Virgins are to be loved tenderly, not sacrificed. Very tenderly.
So instead of celebrating the resurrection of Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, we stripped naked and danced around a bonfire beneath the full moon, chanting in a fouled-up version of Latin and feasting upon newborn rabbits. It was all terribly thrilling.
Actually, I'm just kidding. I could never eat a newborn rabbit. Do you know how many calories those things have? Sweet Merlin on a broomstick, I bet those things would go straight to my hips. Which brings me to another reason why I'm a godless heathen: all that goddamn chocolate. Really? Seriously? Is this some kind of joke? Dingles are not known for their fast metabolisms, they are known for their ability to spin a phrase and please the people. Let's not forget that. The next person who gives me a jumping chocolate bunny is going to die viciously by my cruel hand receive a stern talking-to, courtesy of yours truly.
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